A few years ago I went on a date with a guy I met through the AOL personals. Bad move right there. So I suggest we meet at the Cat Club. Now, this guy said he was a personal trainer. He was like 5' 2'', pudgy and I think he wore a beret. It's been so long I'm not sure. The first thing he says to me after surveying the other patrons of the club is "My God, I feel old." He continues to impress me (not) with the following facts:
1) He has a negative balance in his bank account, proving this by attempting to withdraw cash at the gas station ATM across the street. He also reveals he is 35 pounds overweight, which is always a selling point if you're a personal trainer.
2) He wrote a screenplay about a murdering pedophile priest.
3) Was Derek Jeter's personal trainer in NY at $3,000 a week.
4) Brought his pug dog with him (it was in the back seat of his car.) Introducing me to his dog, of course was his final gesture before going back to find a dumber and more easily impressed blind date. I should add that he sent a pic of him with his dog prior to the date. Suppose he figured if his prospective date didn't think he was cute, she might stick around cuz of the lil doggie.
5) Took me to Subway for dinner. Hey, at least he paid. We parted company.
So, anywho, I figure to hell with it, I'm not going back home. So I go back to the Cat Club. I'm standing there when I look up and see some robotic 20 year old talking into a headset, holding a clipboard. Then I see a pair of legs with covered with knee high boots at the top of the staircase. And there are cameras by the tables blocking the entrance.
"Fuck!! If that's Britney, I'm never getting out of here," I think. Luckily, it turned out to be someone much cooler-Shakira. She joined Slim Jim and the-I don't think they were calling themselves the St***rf**ckers that night-think it was a different combo-no Gilby-for a couple of songs including the theme from "The Jeffersons" TV show. Ha!! I thought. You'd never catch Xtina or Britney or Jessica Simpson hanging out with Slim Jim and metal dudes, playing guitar on a live version of the Jeffersons theme song.
I've liked Shakira ever since.
Just to prove the desparate housewife clones around here go for the under 50 types, too...another e-mail between horny broads.
Subject: Cute English Blokes
Re: Cute English Blokes
You can't have the guitar player cuz he's MINE!!